Do you ever just imagine overcoming many of your fears: be able to simply enjoy peoples company, be able to express yourself skilfully, feel confident within yourself, be able to talk effortlessly, have a positive self image, be able to make friends easily, enjoy being around people, be able to thrive in your career, be able to face any situation and enjoy being comfortably yourself and so on…?
When I was about 10, a relative once said – as I sat in the shadows of my fathers wheelchair – ‘ Lisa…you’ll never set the world on fire!!… Look at you, hiding behind your dad all the time’…I merely shrunk further into the shadows: a failure.
But, that was not where it all started…it was earlier. I was always a shy child, but my first recollection of social anxiety was at the age of 8.
Unfortunately, to my utter dismay, I had become ‘teachers pet’ – my peers would mock me on a regular basis – but I was a ‘people pleaser’ by nature; just a timid, day-dreaming and artistic child.
We had an Easter bonnet wearing event in school and my teacher insisted on me wearing the largest and most decorative one. Although magnificent, it was bigger than my body, and weighed so heavy on my head, that my knees quivered and knocked together. I resembled a great big Iced-gem stuck on top of a cocktail stick- it was awesome! My teacher was so proud, she paraded me from class to class, much to my distress. I remember the roars of full-belly tickle laughter from the blurred crowds. I never recovered, and continued my life hating being centre of attention…
And so the shyness went on, into my teenage and adult years. I continued to hide behind my mother, friends and ex-husbands’ coat-tails. They allowed me to, out of love for me, and to ease some of the distress I used to display. They were only trying to help. Although my shyness naturally improved as I got older, I developed a complex system of well-crafted (often subtle) avoidance behaviours, to stem the flow of anxiety that used to rip through my body like an explosion. I was mildly anxious, even when I was looking forward to an event – butterflies in my stomach became my default pattern.
I avoided things like driving people in my car, reverse parking, group talking, telephoning, confrontation, social events, authority figures, dancing, swimming and meeting new people; to name but a few. I was a perpetual knot of twisted bark – constantly on ‘red alert’ for signs of imminent danger. It’s amazing how this state of being sets as an (ab)normal pattern in your brain and becomes familiar, until something happens, and avoidance is no longer tolerated…I knew I was strange…but, I often felt quite normal – albeit in my fluffy ‘cotton-wool’ world…
My problem was finally exposed in October 2011, when a perceived ‘stressful occurrence’ in work happened, which I was unable to avoid. I asked management for patience and understanding, when it was witnessed that I had an inability to carry out their requests. My plea for compassion fell on ‘deaf ears,’ to stern unsympathetic managers: they charged at me with their oppressive army tanks, while they knew that my personal life, at the time, was collapsing around me.
I was at the edge of a precipice…Inside my head I was repeating, ‘what are the options? No-one notices or listens to my distress signals anymore; no-one seems to care… I have lost my support network – the strong unwieldy shield of my husband.’ I did not know what was wrong; I was not depressed, but I was clearly distressed – like a caged wild animal…So, finally I had to face up to my fears…
Out of desperation, I plucked up some courage to telephone a local psychologist, and ask his advice. After a brief discussion, he soothed my angst a little and recommended a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) psychologist who could confirm my diagnosis and plan a management program to take back control of my life. Hurrah!! This was to be the most valuable phone-call I had ever found the courage to make…
I visited my new therapist, a friendly lady who I instantly felt at ease with. I handed my problems over on a huge platter; I felt better already. It was from this session, and a conclusion made, that I had a social anxiety disorder — which typically involves a persistent, intense, chronic fear of being judged by others, and of being embarrassed or humiliated by one’s own actions. I learned that social anxiety is normal, and only becomes a problem if it stops you doing what you want to do in life (e.g a career change).
I had carried the heavy Easter bonnet for 30 years, and now there was hope that I could finally take it off…
My CBT was fun, tough, enlightening, hard work,frightening and extremely liberating. I took determined steps to follow all the tasks given, and met every target that was set each session – which ramped-up in difficulty from week to week. I had to reflect in terms of predicting an outcome, describing the situation of stress, the thoughts, feelings and behaviours around the situation, and then use hindsight to see if my fears were rational.
The tasks included graded telephone calls, driving and socialising tasks: I have gone out in silly hats and jumpers,ice-skated, chatted to random shop assistants and people in general, allowed myself to make mistakes (experiments), interviewed lots of new people for information and generally socialised more.
Once, I found myself (by accident) sitting on my own at a Christmas pre-Carol concert dinner event (interestingly, much to the discomfort of others around me). I was offered assistance to ‘pull my Christmas cracker’ by kind softly spoken people, including the waiter. When I lost the cracker pull to the waiter…there was a resounding ‘Awww’ from the crowd… I knew I was feeling better, as I found the whole thing amusing, and have shared the story on many occasions since. My therapist sat in awe and amazement as I re-lived the story, with my fully animated face and giggles galore…I was centre of attention, and not really minding. I had positively re-framed that it was just a comical experience and story to talk about for years to come. It did not matter. Eureka,I had started to crack the social anxiety nut…
In addition, through meeting a new friend,who supports me in a slightly different way to what I was used to: a gentler, more patient, non-judgemental, slightly challenging, more accepting, nurturing and unconditional way, has also helped me to feel better about myself. But, what I conclude from this, is that the friendship is important but external to me, and if I actually empathise and treat myself internally with all the qualities that has helped me to flourish further, then it may be an essential ingredient to the path of wellbeing. This was a key element missing in my life…
