It happened to me this week: the moment I learned to allow myself to ‘not be okay‘. It has taken a momentous amount of courage, against resistance, these past few months (perhaps all my life) to get to this place.
You see, I am a fixer of problems of the heart and soul. I know how to allow myself to feel emotional pain (because it blinkin hurts!); but, like most of us, I try to fix my circumstances so that I may feel less pain.
This time, I am allowing myself to ‘not be okay‘ whilst allowing myself to ‘not try to fix it‘: to just be with it; the truth of it; to really live in this body, in all its ugliness; to allow emotions to move through me and be rinsed and renewed.
The uncomfortable truth to ‘not be okay‘ has an odd way of setting me free: a hopeful light at the end of a tunnel. So, I give myself permission to break; and from this broken place I move in the direction of healing.
Only by honouring the truth of our emotions, in the moment, are we able to let them go…
And that’s okay!
Can you relate?
This is a beautiful reminder that it’s okay to be not okay. Love. Thank you<3
Thank you lovely. I believe it is a miracle breakthrough that I may be experiencing (whilst honouring) for the first time xxx
Sometimes the “not okay” moments hit me over the head with a break. Sometimes they creep in around me more slowly and settle in. I can relate and I can testify that I get better and better at being “not okay” each time. Thank you for sharing this.
The way you beautifully describe your experiences with this ‘knowing’ is so reassuring to know. Thank you very much xx
Yes I can totally relate! I think the simple act of not trying to fix ourselves as one of the most courageous acts we can undertake. It is when we give up that all the magic starts to happen, I have found. The American culture specifically frowns upon not trying to be ‘better’ all the time. I like to think about Martha Beck’s advice on how to thrive: Rest until you feel like playing, and play until you feel like resting-and repeat these over and over again. Thank you for writing about this subject 🙂
I love Martha Beck’s advice about rest and play. Thank you for introducing me to her advice about thriving. It makes so much sense 😉 x
Beautiful post Lisa. I know exactly what you mean & I admire you for feeling it all. I spent a couple of years not allowingyself to feel my pain & eventually I had to give in to it as it wouldn’t stay trapped.
The healing &;our wholeness is found inside our pain so take your time lovely lady.
Lesley, I so honour the courageous journey you have been on and how you recognised the need to surrender. I see you blossom every day, so I am filled with hope 😉 Thank you.
Yes I can relate and I am sending you all my love Lisa. Pausing, allowing, surrendering and eventually accepting what is will help you heal and find your own way forward. Which you will in your own good time xxxx
Thank you Melanie… It’s interesting how I thought I really was accepting, resting and surrendering to grief and where I am right now etc…I did not ‘get’ that I was still running away from and ‘doing’ myself better… There is a restlessness and uncomfortableness to allowing anxiety to sit in my body and well up…you wonder whether you will come back from it…so I guess I am learning how to deepen the surrender somehow…..x
I can relate to fixing circumstances to feel less pain, I am good at that too.
Yep when we feel we are helping things , we are often slowing things down 😉 xxx
I’ve gone through a period of this as well. For me, healing began with the relief of just giving up the struggle to hold up the facade of trying to be ok and to just let myself fall apart. Once I surrendered to that, I found myself able to find what I needed that would help me. I like the way you put it: honouring the truth of our emotions, in the moment, are we able to let them go. Best wishes to you in your process.
Thank you so much for resonating and reflecting back what I feel inside. Xxxx
Oh Lisa, ‘sitting with it’ and not trying to ‘fix it’ is SO hard, but it is also ‘good’ in a true, deep way… I just read this today – thought it was VERY relevant… https://musingbymoonlight.com/2016/10/03/an-apricot-rose-in-memory/
{{gentle hugs}} xx
Thank you so much I will take a look right away xxx
What a beautiful post, Lisa. Your words resonated with me and brought some deep emotions that will take a while to decipher. The idea of not trying to change or fix anything is such a liberating one – and a bit scary, but that’s the thing with important stuff, right? I’ll definitely return to read this when the feeling of not being okay next hits me.
Actually, I’ve been kind of sitting in that feeling for a little while – in a slightly different way, though. I’ve had a fever every evening for almost a week now, and not yet knowing the cause, I’ll just have to be patient and wait for it to pass. A good exercise in allowing yourself to feel what you are feeling. Today’s been better, fortunately. 🙂
Oh, almost forgot (goodness me, this should have been right at the beginning of my comment): I’m really glad you’ve reached the point of allowing your feelings. That’s quite an achievement, dear. Wishing you all the best on the healing journey. <3
Thank you for your comment. I do hope your fever has passed and that you feeling better.
Yes sitting with it all is much harder than writing it. I am away from home for a week and stuff comes up but I can sense my active mind wanting to fix and also the resistance in my body. It takes time and patience to unhook from it and let it wash over me… but when I do… it always helps xxx
Yes, I can totally relate! I think it is the way with creative people. When I’m working on an exhibition it’s like I’m wearing ‘the red shoes’. I wear myself out and it’s horrible to come down from that and feel the pain of exhaustion. It’s only in the past year that I’ve been able to allow myself to do nothing. Mindfulness helps a lot! And I’m finally getting around to creating my tarot deck which I started in 1984!
Your work is beautiful Lisa. So pleased to have discovered you! x
Thank you so much for your kind words and inspirational story…. Yes I totally agree about Mindfulness. I bet your Tarot deck is incredibly rich with a long journey of feelings and experiences. Thank you for your comments xxx
Dear Lisa,
I saw this image and caught my breath. I am a former ballet dancer and was at a writing retreat this past weekend and *for the very first time* (I’m now 58) wrote about how “not okay” I was in dance. The first lines were: “Toes are not neutral. Toes are not benign”
May I share this post and the image with my writer retreat friends who heard me read that piece aloud?
Thank you,
Patti
hi Patti,
How lovely to hear from you and share your story. I am so glad you can relate to it. Yes you may share the post. You are most welcome, I am honoured. BTW) I am starting a short course of adult ballet lessons in June at the age of 47 😉