“I am so very, very sorry…very sorry,” the Sonographer repeated as her eyes looked down to the floor.
I lay in shock. Like acid, the news burned: into my heart; into my stomach; into my bones; into my dreams.
“There is no longer a heartbeat. You have a missed miscarriage,” she clarified.
I did not expect this!
Even before I was pregnant, I believed that this pregnancy was meant to be a gift; that it would work and I would finally be a mother. I navigated every plot-twist, turn and obstacle with positivity and intention in order to summon enough courage for the journey. I thought to myself ‘you got this kiddo,’ as I imagined a cheeky smile with a wink.
Alas, it was not meant to be…
The story of being ‘childless by circumstance’ is unique to each individual and is a journey that can only be navigated by the person(s) involved, minus the well-intentioned advice of others. Compassionate support and ‘holding a space’ is all we need. Trust me, we are informed and already know what our options are.
I still ponder that day, especially the moment before the Ultrasound. I caught the eye of a heavily pregnant mum-to-be, tapping her tummy with that knowing look. A soft-smile that connects all mothers, past, present, future. For that moment, I felt part of that network: I belonged to the kin of interconnected mothers. Alas, I then picture myself unravelled on the ultrasound table: my hopes and dreams spilled on to the carpet. I am momentarily destroyed.
So now it is nearly Autumn! Where has April-August gone? Those months are lost in a sticky fog of joy and pain. A legacy of tinnitus (after the miscarriage shock) does not allow me to forget that we tried to have a baby.
There is a mystery to all of this. For the duration of my pregnancy, I lost my creative spark for art. I say lost, but it simply invested its time in creating human life. The creative spark for art returned quickly after my miscarriage. I am comforted to realise that creativity is always there and simply changes form depending on our needs. Creating life for something or someone never leaves!
One day I intend to write more about my recent journey. For now, I contain the sadness and grief to one blogpost. I have the wisdom to know that I need time to process and grieve.
For now, it is enough for you to know that I am back here in my business. Fresh ideas flood my brain and inspiration strikes often. I am a Mayfly catching up with my life in the shortest time: making the most of every opportunity.
I walk the woods as the trees gift their leaves like gentle kisses upon my cheeks. The trees whisper that I am okay…Every day the healing effects of Nature remind me how precious our life is.
Lisa, I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing in this brave way. I’m sending thoughts for healing and comfort to you as you continue on your journey.
xo
Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. It’s hard to find a balance of ‘just enoughness’… xxxx
Lisa – you have shared deeply and beautifully. Thank you for sharing this heartbreaking journey with us. Very well written. My deepest sympathy.
thank you so much for your kind words. it has taken quite a bit of courage to show up as my natural self xxxx
Beautiful, touching & raw Lisa, thank you for sharing.
Sending you love & hugs as you come to terms with who you are now. <3
Lesley Pyne recently posted…Summer Pause and Reset.
Thank you Lesley… and you have so much experience in this area with your own journey and with what you do in your business. You are an inspiration 😉 x
I can’t imagine what this must have felt like. Heart rending. So sorry. Linda. xox
Yes heart rending but hopefully healing. Thank you so much for your kind compassion with this xxx
Oh my heart for you in reading this tender part of your journey. You write so beautifully Lisa and always with such care and beauty. I know from your words it is the care you give yourself too as you heal. They will always be with you, your little bean (I have one too). Much love my soul friend xx
With hand on my heart, I am so grateful for your kind words: a supportive soul friend indeed xxx
I’m so sorry for your loss, Lisa. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.
thank you so much for your kind words and prayers xxx
I can`t begin to imagine the strength and courage it has taken for you to write this, you are an amazing lady and I`m so very proud to have you as my friend. We will always be here for you xxxx
Aw thanks honey! I am glad to have you in my life…and Sarah…and Gwil, of course! Lots of love, Lisa xxx
Sending big love and gentle hugs from one who’s walked a similar path… xoxo
There are many threads that connect us on our paths…there is such comfort in that. Thank you xxx
Lisa, I am very sorry for your loss and thank you for your words. The last two lines of your blog really resonated as I ride the waves of my own grief. I have found that walking in the woods has been the most healing thing and the place to feel most connected with the loss of my daughter. It feels too difficult to put into words just now.
Brene Brown speaks of heartbreak in her book ‘Rising Strong’ and says three things I found have found helpful. . First there is the ‘thing/person/possibility that we have lost, that is gone. Second there is the deep yearning for this not to have happened. And third there is the feeling of being lost until we construct a new way of being.
Meanwhile I will cherish your words on my walks and imagine the kisses from the leaves, such a beautiful thought…and send love your way.
I walk the woods as the trees gift their leaves like gentle kisses upon my cheeks. The trees whisper that I am okay…Every day the healing effects of Nature remind me how precious our life is.
Thank you for your moving words…they stirred me to tears and a deeper compassionate connection with my grief. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter…there are no words…its all a feeling sense of waves: from ripples to full storms….a gradually reshaping to construct a new way of being.yes. thank you for placing the reminder of Brene Brown …I love her but had lost memory of her poignant words around this. Onwards and upwards my friend…with our tree friends to help xxx
Dearest Lisa.
I am feeling your pain so deeply, needing to let you know, that your pain is yours, but indeed also the collective pain exclusive to us mothers to angel babies in heaven. I too have the dna of my little angel body, heart and soul in my body, heart and soul.
Namaste
Thank you for your beautiful words of comfort xxx
Soso sorry for your loss, Lisa.
I’m sending thoughts and prayers your way.
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Thank you so much for your kind words x