“I am so very, very sorry…very sorry,” the Sonographer repeated as her eyes looked down to the floor.
I lay in shock. Like acid, the news burned: into my heart; into my stomach; into my bones; into my dreams.
“There is no longer a heartbeat. You have a missed miscarriage,” she clarified.
I did not expect this!
Even before I was pregnant, I believed that this pregnancy was meant to be a gift; that it would work and I would finally be a mother. I navigated every plot-twist, turn and obstacle with positivity and intention in order to summon enough courage for the journey. I thought to myself ‘you got this kiddo,’ as I imagined a cheeky smile with a wink.
Alas, it was not meant to be…
The story of being ‘childless by circumstance’ is unique to each individual and is a journey that can only be navigated by the person(s) involved, minus the well-intentioned advice of others. Compassionate support and ‘holding a space’ is all we need. Trust me, we are informed and already know what our options are.
I still ponder that day, especially the moment before the Ultrasound. I caught the eye of a heavily pregnant mum-to-be, tapping her tummy with that knowing look. A soft-smile that connects all mothers, past, present, future. For that moment, I felt part of that network: I belonged to the kin of interconnected mothers. Alas, I then picture myself unravelled on the ultrasound table: my hopes and dreams spilled on to the carpet. I am momentarily destroyed.
So now it is nearly Autumn! Where has April-August gone? Those months are lost in a sticky fog of joy and pain. A legacy of tinnitus (after the miscarriage shock) does not allow me to forget that we tried to have a baby.
There is a mystery to all of this. For the duration of my pregnancy, I lost my creative spark for art. I say lost, but it simply invested its time in creating human life. The creative spark for art returned quickly after my miscarriage. I am comforted to realise that creativity is always there and simply changes form depending on our needs. Creating life for something or someone never leaves!
One day I intend to write more about my recent journey. For now, I contain the sadness and grief to one blogpost. I have the wisdom to know that I need time to process and grieve.
For now, it is enough for you to know that I am back here in my business. Fresh ideas flood my brain and inspiration strikes often. I am a Mayfly catching up with my life in the shortest time: making the most of every opportunity.
I walk the woods as the trees gift their leaves like gentle kisses upon my cheeks. The trees whisper that I am okay…Every day the healing effects of Nature remind me how precious our life is.