Sitting by the window sipping hot tea, I ponder and think about things. As the steam dampens my face, I notice the delicious burst of liquid in my mouth. It cascades down inside my body.
Immediately, the moment is forgotten as my mind drifts to other ‘more important’ things: ‘I am going to make extra effort to exercise and improve my body; after all, it is harder to keep in shape in your forties!…oh and I must get better at working on my business; it’s so small and I don’t think I have really achieved that much these last few years. Golly, if I compare myself to others I am soooooo insignificant; yes, I need to work on personal development more. I must stretch my comfort zones and aim for e-courses, Kickstarter campaigns, exhibit at a craft fair: aim for the stars! Shine my light and all that! Oh, and I must change my diet so that I don’t put on so much middle-aged weight..I cannot fit in any of the clothes I still have from 15 years ago; and I must get better clothes as I am looking shabby these days…I want to lose the weight to feel and look more beautiful. And the wrinkles! I must remember to buy that anti-age cream I have wanted for a while; Debbie said it’d work wonders on me. Oh and I want to be better at socialising and connecting with people; my social anxiety can really get in the way. I must make a point of learning new skills so that my art and craft-making can become more refined. When we move house in October, I must create a more organised and Instagram-friendly home…Particularly, I must get the lighting right and become better at writing blogposts a….and marketing…yes, I am pretty sure these things will help’ I drifted in and out of thoughts as my tea became cool and undrinkable….
Something has happened to me and I am feeling unwell. I have been overdoing things! I am unable to create or do the simplest of activities. I am a prisoner within my own body.
As I hobble and drag my feet (heavy lead-like) up the street, I notice my fatigue. I notice the burning though all my joints and the fogginess within my mind. I feel I will never get better. I notice the health anxiety triggered within my failing body. I catch myself pondering and thinking about other things: ‘ I wish I could laugh again at the smallest of things. I wish I could enjoy a walk with my beloved. I wish I could do the housework. I wish I could make my simple art and crafts. I wish I could be ‘me’ again.I wish I could sit comfortably and enjoy a delicious cup of tea…’
I sit comfortably and sip a cup of tea…I smile…