Photograph of an Oil on Tarpaulin by Hughie O’Donoghue RA from Summer Exhibition 2019.
I never thought I would get this post written. During the ebb and flow of my work, I have distanced myself from my website for a while now. So much so, that I now no longer know how to create blogposts properly (as there have been so many updates to Divi software where they change things for change sake: not necessarliy intuitively which is what I rely on). It’s a frustrating feeling that I am not keeping up with the times.
What’s going on?
It’s quite simple really… I seem to have lost my creative art ‘Mojo’ for the first time in years and I am feeling a little lost with how to push on through it. I have been so fortunate in that my previous creations (card decks) have tapped into a well of inspirational energy and have been created from a place of ease. Even sharing the, sometimes awkward, process felt reasonably comfortable on IG and Facebook. Not any more. I am conscious that I am hiding most of my new work (not that there is alot of it!) ….In fact, I have been hiding my art more and more these past few years. I am not sure what to do about it.
I feel I am letting myself and others down.
I tried an adventure into Textile Art but became frustrated and a little bored at the slowness of progression and the continual need to change the needle and thread etc. It was beginning to feel like the wrong direction, at huge expense. Though I do feel what I have learned will serve me well some time.
The more I do and see art the more intimidated I get at being self-taught ….and the more frustrated I get when I can’t seem to create something equally amazing and fantastic. The more I know, the more I realise I don’t know. I have my own creative space, but it is restricted, so I can’t experiment with big volume, big mess and big ideas (just in case I have them….not yet!). I am too shy to create art in public spaces. So I knit comfortably with creatives in public instead.
My art has to have meaning, so I don’t feel able to create for arts sake. Recently, I have sat with a blank page for days on end. I am procrastinating all the time! These past few years, I seem to have picked up a few extra traumatic wounds around being an artist….the odd difficult experience, encounter, and harsh words has left its imprint on me to the detriment of me seeing and appreciating the mainly positive experience and opportunity I have been gifted these past few years.
I want to create art my own way, at my own pace, but personally feel continually under the shadow of needing to make money. I would do art for free….really I would….We can live modestly on my husbands salary….But I want more beautiful experiences and be surrounded by more beautiful things and Nature. I love spending money that I have made making art….but I am stuck connecting being an artist with the want… I self-sabotage all the time! I am a paradox of wanting my cake and eat it…..I feel guilty knowing the difficult lives for many people in the world… I feel despair at the way we humans are destroying the planet….I feel it all to the point of overwhelm. I confess, I sometimes give up hope that we can make a difference. I try to do what I can. For example, I have chosen not to fly since 2003….but people around me are repeatedly flying all over the world and return with exotic stories and adventure and I feel a little more ‘dull’ each time…. Yet, something within me doesn’t feel comfortable flying on holiday just to keep up with others…..I am often content with the simplest of pleasures. I am digressing, sorry….
What am I doing now?
In the last few weeks, I have found a small way into my art through the excitement of creating acrylic art for our flat. I have become a little obsessed with colour, hue, value, intensity, tints and tones etc. I have no particular experience in this medium, but its something about creating art with no price-tag, introducing juicy bright colours (when I am usually of a muted palette) and flying by the seat of my pants making it up as I go along… I have some of the creative sparks back and some element of flow…but it won’t be enough to sustain me in the longer run and we have a small flat with limited wall space! Also, they are more abstract which can be a challenge for my fabulous husband to embrace in our scared space! Ha! Ha!
I thought I would just update you as to where I am up to in this life as an artist: just being honest and not necessarily looking for advice… Thank you for reading and thank you for continuing to buy my card decks!
Onwards and upwards