This is an archived blog post from Green Alder Coaching
Have you ever suffered from fear, or butterflies in your stomach when you are around people; avoided situations where you know there are people; found yourself unable to talk, and are regularly anxious or nervous at the thought of being with people; Regularly rehearse what to say; being aware of your body making mistakes and showing you up; lack the friends you wish you had; have a low self-opinion and suffer low self-esteem and so on…?
Do you ever just imagine overcoming many of your fears: being able to simply enjoy people's company, be able to express yourself skilfully, feel confident within yourself, be able to talk effortlessly, have a positive self-image, be able to make friends easily, enjoy being around people, be able to thrive in your career, be able to face any situation and enjoy being comfortably yourself and so on…? When I was about 10, a relative once said – as I sat in the shadows of my father's wheelchair – ‘ Lisa…you’ll never set the world on fire!!… Look at you, hiding behind your dad all the time’…I merely sh, when it was witnessed that I had an inability to carry out their requests. My plea for compassion fell on ‘deaf ears,’ to stern unsympathetic managers: they charged at me with their oppressive army tanks, while they knew that my personal life, at the time, was collapsing around me. I was at the edge of a precipice…Inside my head, I was repeating, ‘What are the options? No one notices or listens to my distress signals anymore; no one seems to care… I have lost my support network – the strong unwieldy shield of my husband.’ I did not know what was wrong; I was not depressed, but I was clearly distressed – like a caged wild animal…So, finally, I had to face up to my fears…
Out of desperation, I plucked up some courage to telephone a local psychologist and ask his advice. After a brief discussion, he soothed my angst a little and recommended a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) psychologist who could confirm my diagnosis and plan a management program to take back control of my life. Hurrah!! This was to be the most valuable phone call I had ever found the courage to make…
I visited my new therapist, a friendly lady who I instantly felt at ease with. I handed my problems over on a huge platter; I felt better already. It was from this session, and a conclusion made, that I had a social anxiety disorder — which typically involves a persistent, intense, chronic fear of being judged by others, and of being embarrassed or humiliated by one’s own actions. I learned that social anxiety is normal, and only becomes a problem if it stops you from doing what you want to do in life (e.g a career change).
I had carried the heavy Easter bonnet for 30 years, and now there was hope that I could finally take it off…
My CBT was fun, tough, enlightening, hard work, frightening and extremely liberating. I took determined steps to follow all the tasks given and met every target that was set each session – which ramped up in difficulty from week to week. I had to reflect in terms of predicting an outcome, describing the situation of stress, the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours around the situation, and then use hindsight to see if my fears were rational.
The tasks included graded telephone calls, driving, and socialising tasks: I have gone out in silly hats and jumpers, ice-skated, chatted to random shop assistants and people in general, allowed myself to make mistakes (experiments), interviewed lots of new people for information and generally socialised more. Once, I found myself (by accident) sitting on my own at a Christmas pre-Carol concert dinner event (interestingly, much to the discomfort of others around me). I was offered assistance to ‘pull my Christmas cracker’ by kind softly spoken people, including the waiter. When I lost the cracker pull to the waiter…there was a resounding ‘Aw’ from the crowd… I knew I was feeling better, as I found the whole thing amusing, and have shared the story on many occasions since. My therapist sat in awe and amazement as I re-lived the story, with my fully animated face and giggles galore…I was centre of attention, and not really minding. I had positively re-framed that it was just a comical experience and story to talk about for years to come. It did not matter. Eureka, I had started to crack the social anxiety nut… In addition, meeting a new friend, who supports me in a slightly different way to what I was used to: a gentler, more patient, non-judgemental, slightly challenging, more accepting, nurturing, and unconditional way, has also helped me to feel better about myself. But, what I conclude from this, is that friendship is important but external to me, and if I actually empathise and treat myself internally with all the qualities that have helped me to flourish further, then it may be an essential ingredient to the path of wellbeing. This was a key element missing in my life…
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